Letters of Complaint, vol.5

Aug 30, 2008

Dear Slumbering and Spastic Spouse,

You are the king of getting to sleep. The master. Sometimes I think it happens in under a minute. I'll be yattering to you about something, and your response will be "mhmmmm..." and I'll know I've lost you.

But me, well, me not so much. I have to jiggle my feet. Then I have to lie still. I have to wait. I have to count my inhalations and exhalations...onetwothreefour in....onetwothreefour out. I have to visualize the relaxation of each part of my body.

(Do you understand that this is work for me? It's like I'm my own fussy newborn.)

But, miraculously, somewhere after the jiggling, lying still, counting, and visualizing, eventually I start to feel it...the pull of slumber, the lull of la-la-land. Yesss.

And then....ohhh yes, then...do you know what happens?

An elbow will bonk me, ever-so lightly, and I will jerk awake. Your elbow, my dear.

Yes, my love, I fear you will be my un-doing...sleep-wise, that is. 
You twitch, and you mumble, and you snore, and all the while I try to make a barrier of blankets around my self, or turn you onto your side (or even, sometimes, pinch your lips closed to see if they will stay that way).
Sometimes the anticipation of it is the worse. He's going to make a sound and wake me, I just know it...he's going to move a limb and bump me awake, I can feel it... my blood-shot eye will dart open on the hour to assess your positioning. That arm looks mighty threatening, looming above me, I'd best turn my back. Now, where was I? Oh yes...onetwothre*bump* *jab*.............

Sweet husband, have you ever dreamt that someone was shoving you? Violently, even? Well, that's no dream darlin. It's all me.

Forever Yours,
Your Wife, the Miserable Morning Person


  1. aww bless!

    i am the equivalent of your husband in my relationship! I thrash and flail and wallop my bf something rotten, the whole time sleeping soundly. he must hate me haha!

    do you have a tv in your room? if i can't sleep, i put the tv on and I'm out like a light!x

  2. Oh how I feel your pain. The best is when mine wakes me out of sleep because he wants to chat and then falls asleep immediately.

    I finally fall back to sleep and he turns over. Feels like an earthquake...I swear.

    Thank goodness good spouses are worth a bit of bedroom trauma.

  3. Bahahahah!!!! This is me to a T! Seriously. I can never sleep and my husband will just fall right asleep.. & he snores, or steals my pillow or blanket. UGH. What to do? haha I love this series!

  4. haha I think my fiance can relate to that letter perfectly! love it!

  5. Well Hello my blogging friend! You somehow stumbled upon my blog last week when I was posting about my lava hot curry so I decided to take a peek into your life. What a cute little space you have hear.

  6. This gave me a great, big laugh. I would be a miserable morning person too if I had to deal with that. I'm already frightening in the morning, I hate to think what would happen if I had to deal with jabbing every night. You have such a talent for writing. I look forward to visiting again.

  7. LOL Totally relate.

    My husband is a light sleeper, but falls asleep so fast & easy. I am a deeper sleeper but I have to do the same thing you do just to fall asleep; breath slow, relax every muscle. And if something darts me awake just when i'm about to fall asleep, I have to start all over again, but with anxiety then looming. Ugh!

  8. Ha....I totally relate to this! well written, friend, well written.
    oh...and happy early birthday! :)

  9. Oh my goodness! This made me laugh out loud. I remember how hard it was getting used to sleeping next to someone. I thought I was going to die on our first month because every littl noise woke me up. I did however finally get used to it!


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