May 14, 2011

Letters of Complaint, vol.3


Aug 30, 2008

Dear Fast-Walker,

You enter the store at the same time as me. I pick up my basket and start perusing, but I feel your hurried presence and the tap-tap of your shoes walking behind me. I pick up the pace for your benefit, since you're stuck behind me, after all.
As ridiculously quick as I feel I'm walking, the fact that you're almost on top of me makes me feel I should be going even faster.

Oh, that's something I need!

But no, can't stop, person behind me needs to get somewhere.  

Ooh, bananas, those were on my list!

No, can't stop, don't I hear the shoes?! You're in a hurry. For the love of god woman, keep going.

Now I break into a run-walk, hips jutting and arms pumping.

I know, I'll just slip into this next aisle and let you pass me. I'm not sure why you couldn't have just gone around me earlier, but i'm sure there was a perfectly good reason I'm not aware of.

What's this? You need to be in this aisle too? Shoot. I feel so foolish, continuing to inconvenience you with my slow-poke ways.

Alright then... I'll just jog over to get some milk and...oh...that's what you were coming in here for I see... milk. Why didn't I see that all along?! I can tell by the impatient jangling of your keys that I'm in your way of the cooler.. I'm sorry sir! Let me just ninja-bend backwards so that you may get your milk from the cooler first. How selfish of me, an utter sloth, to assume I could retrieve my milk before thee.

And now you're trying to get by...but oh no, my basket's in the way! I heave it to the side, all slow-mo action-movie-like, my milk jostling. YOU HAVE PLACES TO BE, PEOPLE TO SEE!

I admire you. The mannor in which you slap your money down on the rubber belt, so the cashier has to awkwardly reach for it. You're obviously a man of power, this shows. The way you don't respond to her "how are you's" and "have a good days". No time for trivialities, this implies.

Yes, sir, you've changed me. I vow, next time I will hurry too. I will zip through the store like the fastest mouse in all of Me-hico, being sure to bulldoze those in my way (instead of just going around, which I'm sure there's a perfectly good reason for). I hope then I will know what it feels like to be an important-person-on-the-go. 

Many Happy Returns of the Day,
Snail-Paced Bozo

10 comments:

  1. UGH I hate that. Especially because when I go into a store I am trying my best to get in and out and not make eye contact with anyone! My face must look so awkward.. I hate being anxious. These posts are my fav!

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  2. haha, yer funny and write gud.

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  3. I once went out with some girls to go to a clothing store. At the gas station I noticed they did this to a woman and they basically threw their cash at the cash register lady.

    I have avoided them since.

    my first giveaway :)

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  4. ha ha sometimes I'm the fast walker but i like to shop alone so i can weave around people and get all the stuff i need and get out of the store as which as i can. OR i go just for the sake of a slow walk around the store to look at all the new products..

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  5. You are brilliant! This may be one of my favorited blog posts that I've ever read! SRSLY!
    This is so so true. I've definitely been there, but I probably wasn't as nice as you!

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  6. Hi Eva -- I hope I am never as bad as this guy, but -- BUSTED -- I am totally one of those on-a-mission shoppers. I have my list, I know exactly what I need (and all the impulse buys I am trying to avoid), and I probably annoy other shoppers. Thank you for this reminder that it's good sometimes to chill out and slow down. :-) (I would NEVER slam money down, btw, nevermind that I always use plastic. We've still all gotta be respectful of one another!)

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  7. Hahahahahah! This is an awesome post! Good fun for everyone :)

    xoxo
    Janee
    yellowbirdyellowbeard.blogspot.com

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  8. I'm one of the fast-paced walkers. Not necessarily a fast-paced SHOPPER, though. I blame it on my long legs. And I sometimes get impatient with the slow-moving walkers--but! Do not fret! I move AROUND them! And I'm friendly and talk to the people I meet! Also, I'm a girl and I live in Idaho...so I'm telling myself this one's not about me. :)

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  9. Part 2 of my comment: I was perusing your blog and came back across this post, and I'm pleased to report that I've reformed my ways. I now go out of my way to be the chill, mellow person at the store that I never knew I could be. Thanks for helping give a little nudge. :-)

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