Letters of Complaint, vol.3

Aug 30, 2008

Dear Fast-Walker,

You enter the store at the same time as me. I pick up my basket and start perusing, but I feel your hurried presence and the tap-tap of your shoes walking behind me. I pick up the pace for your benefit, since you're stuck behind me, after all.
As ridiculously quick as I feel I'm walking, the fact that you're almost on top of me makes me feel I should be going even faster.

Oh, that's something I need!

But no, can't stop, person behind me needs to get somewhere.  

Ooh, bananas, those were on my list!

No, can't stop, don't I hear the shoes?! You're in a hurry. For the love of god woman, keep going.

Now I break into a run-walk, hips jutting and arms pumping.

I know, I'll just slip into this next aisle and let you pass me. I'm not sure why you couldn't have just gone around me earlier, but i'm sure there was a perfectly good reason I'm not aware of.

What's this? You need to be in this aisle too? Shoot. I feel so foolish, continuing to inconvenience you with my slow-poke ways.

Alright then... I'll just jog over to get some milk and...oh...that's what you were coming in here for I see... milk. Why didn't I see that all along?! I can tell by the impatient jangling of your keys that I'm in your way of the cooler.. I'm sorry sir! Let me just ninja-bend backwards so that you may get your milk from the cooler first. How selfish of me, an utter sloth, to assume I could retrieve my milk before thee.

And now you're trying to get by...but oh no, my basket's in the way! I heave it to the side, all slow-mo action-movie-like, my milk jostling. YOU HAVE PLACES TO BE, PEOPLE TO SEE!

I admire you. The mannor in which you slap your money down on the rubber belt, so the cashier has to awkwardly reach for it. You're obviously a man of power, this shows. The way you don't respond to her "how are you's" and "have a good days". No time for trivialities, this implies.

Yes, sir, you've changed me. I vow, next time I will hurry too. I will zip through the store like the fastest mouse in all of Me-hico, being sure to bulldoze those in my way (instead of just going around, which I'm sure there's a perfectly good reason for). I hope then I will know what it feels like to be an important-person-on-the-go. 

Many Happy Returns of the Day,
Snail-Paced Bozo


  1. UGH I hate that. Especially because when I go into a store I am trying my best to get in and out and not make eye contact with anyone! My face must look so awkward.. I hate being anxious. These posts are my fav!

  2. haha, yer funny and write gud.

  3. I once went out with some girls to go to a clothing store. At the gas station I noticed they did this to a woman and they basically threw their cash at the cash register lady.

    I have avoided them since.

    my first giveaway :)

  4. ha ha sometimes I'm the fast walker but i like to shop alone so i can weave around people and get all the stuff i need and get out of the store as which as i can. OR i go just for the sake of a slow walk around the store to look at all the new products..

  5. You are brilliant! This may be one of my favorited blog posts that I've ever read! SRSLY!
    This is so so true. I've definitely been there, but I probably wasn't as nice as you!

  6. Hi Eva -- I hope I am never as bad as this guy, but -- BUSTED -- I am totally one of those on-a-mission shoppers. I have my list, I know exactly what I need (and all the impulse buys I am trying to avoid), and I probably annoy other shoppers. Thank you for this reminder that it's good sometimes to chill out and slow down. :-) (I would NEVER slam money down, btw, nevermind that I always use plastic. We've still all gotta be respectful of one another!)

  7. Hahahahahah! This is an awesome post! Good fun for everyone :)


  8. I'm one of the fast-paced walkers. Not necessarily a fast-paced SHOPPER, though. I blame it on my long legs. And I sometimes get impatient with the slow-moving walkers--but! Do not fret! I move AROUND them! And I'm friendly and talk to the people I meet! Also, I'm a girl and I live in Idaho...so I'm telling myself this one's not about me. :)

  9. Part 2 of my comment: I was perusing your blog and came back across this post, and I'm pleased to report that I've reformed my ways. I now go out of my way to be the chill, mellow person at the store that I never knew I could be. Thanks for helping give a little nudge. :-)


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